THE DOINGS OF DELSARTE

IN former times my numerous rhymes excited general mirth,
And I was then of all good men the merriest man on earth;
And my career
From year to year
Was full of cheer
And things,
Despite a few regrets, perdieu! which grim dyspepsia brings;
But now how strange and harsh a change has come upon the scene!
Horrors appall the life where all was formerly so serene:
Yes, wasting care hath cast its snare about my honest heart,
Because, alas! it hath come to pass my daughter's learned Delsarte.

In flesh and joint and every point the counterpart of me,
She grew so fast she grew at last a marvellous thing to see, --
Long, gaunt, and slim, each gangling limb played stumbling-block to t'other,
The which excess of awkwardness quite mortified her mother.

Now, as for me, I like to see the carriages uncouth
Which certify to all the shy, unconscious age of youth.

If maidenkind be pure of mind, industrious, tidy, smart,
What need that they should fool away their youth upon Delsarte?

In good old times my numerous rhymes occasioned general mirth,
But now you see
Revealed in me
The gloomiest bard on earth.

I sing no more of the joys of yore that marked my happy life,
But rather those depressing woes with which the present's rife.

Unreconciled to that gaunt child, who's now a fashion-plate,
One song I raise in Art's dispraise, and so do I fight with Fate:
This gangling bard has found it hard to see his counterpart
Long, loose, and slim, divorced from him by that hectic dude,
Delsarte.

Where'er she goes,
She loves to pose,
In classic attitudes,
And droop her eyes in languid wise, and feign abstracted moods;
And she, my child,
Who all so wild,
So helpless and so sweet,
That once she knew not what to do with those great big hands and feet,
Now comes and goes with such repose, so calmly sits or stands,
Is so discreet with both her feet, so deft with both her hands.

Why, when I see that satire on me, I give an angry start,
And I utter one word -- it is commonly heard -- derogatory to Delsarte.

In years gone by 't was said that I was quite a scrumptious man;
Conceit galore had I before this Delsarte craze began;
But now these wise
Folks criticise
My figure and my face,
And I opine they even incline to sneer at my musical bass.

Why, sometimes they presume to say this wart upon my cheek
Is not refined, and remarks unkind they pass on that antique, --
With lusty bass and charms of face and figure will I part
Ere they extort this grand old wart to placat their Delsarte.

Oh, wretched day! as all shall say who've known my Muse before,
When by this rhyme you see that I'm not in it any more.

Good-by the mirth that over earth diffused such keen delight;
The old-time bard
Of pork and lard
Is plainly out of sight.

All withered now about his brow the laurel fillets droop,
While Lachesis brews
For the poor old Muse
A portion of scalding soup.

Engrave this line, O friends of mine! over my broken heart:
"He hustled and strove, and fancied he throve, till his daughter learned Delsarte. "

End of title

THE DOINGS OF DELSARTE

Eugene Field

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