Read "Royal Ascot" by Harry Graham online for free on Textopian. Full text with search, annotations, highlights, and AI-powered reading aids.
Ho! find me my faithful field-glasses / (The kind with collapsible joints); / Ho! bring me my bundle of passes, / My pencils (the ones that have points); / Ho! give me my 'topper,' / The head-dress that's proper / For meetings where Royalties muster; / Put scent on my 'hanky' / (That's quite enough, thankye! ) / And polish my boots with a duster; / That so I may venture, with grace and composure, / To mix with my peers in the Royal Enclosure!
At Ascot, where beautiful dresses / Enrapture the masculine gaze, / How oft I've indulged in excesses / Of hock-cup and cold mayonnaise! / How oft in the Paddock / (Though squashed like a haddock) / Each thoroughbred's heels I've eluded! / What fortunes I've flung to / The Ring, which they've clung to, / Those touts who my pockets denuded! / What niggardly odds did those bookmakers lay me! / (How often have ladies forgotten to pay me! )
At Ascot, that popular function, / Society leans on the rails, / And sport is enjoyed in conjunction / With lobsters and underdone quails! / While Rank and while Fashion / Regard with compassion / The antics of clown or of nigger, / But one imperfection / Appears, on inspection, / This party to mar or disfigure: / 'Twould be the most perfect of meetings and courses, / If only -- -- if only there weren't any horses!