Lionizing by Edgar Allan Poe

-all people went

Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.

Bishop Hall's Satires

I am -- that is to say I was -- a great man; but I am neither the author of Junius nor the man in the mask; for my name, I believe, is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge.

The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands. My mother saw this and called me a genius -- my father wept for joy and presented me with a treatise on Nosology. This I mastered before I was breeched.

I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently conspicuous, he might, by merely following it, arrive at a Lionship. But my attention was not confined to theories alone. Every morning I gave my proboscis a couple of pulls and swallowed a half dozen of drams.

When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step with him into his study.

"My son," said he, when we were seated, "what is the chief end of your existence?"

"My father," I answered, "it is the study of Nosology."

"And what, Robert," he inquired, "is Nosology?"

"Sir," I said, "it is the science of Noses."

"And can you tell me," he demanded, "what is the meaning of a nose?"

"A nose, my father; " I replied, greatly softened, "has been variously defined by about a thousand different authors. " [Here I pulled out my watch.] "It is now noon, or thereabouts -- we shall have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To commence then: -- The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance -- that bump -- that excrescence -- that -- "

"Will do, Robert," interrupted the good old gentleman. "I am thunderstruck at the extent of your information -- I am positively -- upon my soul. " [Here he closed his eyes and placed his hand upon his heart.] "Come here! " [Here he took me by the arm.] "Your education may now be considered as finished -- it is high time you should scuffle for yourself -- and you cannot do a better thing than merely follow your nose -- so -- so -- so -- " [Here he kicked me downstairs and out of the door.] -- "So get out of my house, and God bless you!"

As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this accident rather fortunate than otherwise. I resolved to be guided by the paternal advice. I determined to follow my nose. I gave it a pull or two upon the spot, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology forthwith.

All Fum-Fudge was in an uproar.

"Wonderful genius! " said the Quarterly.

"Superb physiologist! " said the Westminster.

"Clever fellow! " said the Foreign.

"Fine writer! " said the Edinburgh.