Collected Poetry by Andrew Barton Paterson

'Twas in scientific circles That the great Professor Brown Had a world-wide reputation As a writer of renown. He had striven finer feelings In our natures to implant By his Treatise on the Morals Of the Red-eyed Bulldog Ant. He had hoisted an opponent Who had trodden unawares On his "Reasons for Bare Patches On the Female Native Bears". So they gave him an appointment As instructor to a band Of the most attractive females To be gathered in the land. 'Twas a "Ladies' Science Circle"-- Just the latest social fad For the Nicest People only, And to make their rivals mad. They were fond of "science rambles" To the country from the town-- A parade of female beauty In the leadership of Brown. They would pick a place for luncheon And catch beetles on their rugs; The Professor called 'em "optera" They called 'em "nasty bugs". Well, the thing was bound to perish For no lovely woman can Feel the slightest real interest In a club without a Man-- The Professor hardly counted He was crazy as a loon, With a countenance suggestive Of an elderly baboon. But the breath of Fate blew on it With a sharp and sudden blast, And the "Ladies' Science Circle" Is a memory of the past.

There were two-and-twenty members, Mostly young and mostly fair, Who had made a great excursion To a place called Dontknowwhere, At the crossing of Lost River, On the road to No Man's Land. There they met an old selector, With a stockwhip in his hand, And the sight of so much beauty Sent him slightly "off his nut"; So he asked them, smiling blandly, "Would they come down to the hut?" "I am come," said the Professor, In his thin and reedy voice, "To investigate your flora, Which I hear is very choice." The selector stared dumbfounded, Till at last he found his tongue: "To investigate my Flora! Oh, you howlin' Brigham Young! Why, you've two-and-twenty wimmen-- Reg'lar slap-up wimmen, too! And you're after little Flora! And a crawlin' thing like you! Oh, you Mormonite gorilla! Well, I've heard it from the first That you wizened little fellers Is a hundred times the worst!