The Trumpet-Major by Thomas Hardy

At this particular moment the object of Festus Derriman's fulmination was / assuredly not dangerous as a rival. Bob, after abstractedly watching the / soldiers from the front of the house till they were out of sight, had / gone within doors and seated himself in the mill-parlour, where his / father found him, his elbows resting on the table and his forehead on his / hands, his eyes being fixed upon a document that lay open before him.

'What art perusing, Bob, with such a long face?'

Bob sighed, and then Mrs. Loveday and Anne entered. ''Tis only a state- / paper that I fondly thought I should have a use for,' he said gloomily. / And, looking down as before, he cleared his voice, as if moved inwardly / to go on, and began to read in feeling tones from what proved to be his / nullified marriage licence: --

"Timothy Titus Philemon, by permission Bishop of Bristol: To our well- / beloved Robert Loveday, of the parish of Overcombe, Bachelor; and Matilda / Johnson, of the same parish, Spinster. Greeting."

Here Anne sighed, but contrived to keep down her sigh to a mere nothing.

'Beautiful language, isn't it! ' said Bob. 'I was never greeted like that / afore!'

'Yes; I have often thought it very excellent language myself,' said Mrs. / Loveday.

'Come to that, the old gentleman will greet thee like it again any day / for a couple of guineas,' said the miller.

'That's not the point, father! You never could see the real meaning of / these things. Well, then he goes on: "Whereas ye are, as it is / alleged, determined to enter into the holy estate of matrimony -- " But / why should I read on? It all means nothing now -- nothing, and the / splendid words are all wasted upon air. It seems as if I had been hailed / by some venerable hoary prophet, and had turned away, put the helm hard / up, and wouldn't hear.'

Nobody replied, feeling probably that sympathy could not meet the case, / and Bob went on reading the rest of it to himself, occasionally heaving a / breath like the wind in a ship's shrouds.

'I wouldn't set my mind so much upon her, if I was thee,' said his father / at last.

'Why not?'

'Well, folk might call thee a fool, and say thy brains were turning to / water.'

Bob was apparently much struck by this thought, and, instead of / continuing the discourse further, he carefully folded up the licence, / went out, and walked up and down the garden. It was startlingly apt what / his father had said; and, worse than that, what people would call him / might be true, and the liquefaction of his brains turn out to be no / fable. By degrees he became much concerned, and the more he examined / himself by this new light the more clearly did he perceive that he was in / a very bad way.

On reflection he remembered that since Miss Johnson's departure his / appetite had decreased amazingly. He had eaten in meat no more than / fourteen or fifteen ounces a day, but one-third of a quartern pudding on / an average, in vegetables only a small heap of potatoes and half a York / cabbage, and no gravy whatever; which, considering the usual appetite of / a seaman for fresh food at the end of a long voyage, was no small index / of the depression of his mind. Then he had waked once every night, and / on one occasion twice. While dressing each morning since the gloomy day / he had not whistled more than seven bars of a hornpipe without stopping / and falling into thought of a most painful kind; and he had told none but / absolutely true stories of foreign parts to the neighbouring villagers / when they saluted and clustered about him, as usual, for anything he / chose to pour forth -- except that story of the whale whose eye was about / as large as the round pond in Derriman's ewe-lease -- which was like / tempting fate to set a seal for ever upon his tongue as a traveller. All / this enervation, mental and physical, had been produced by Matilda's / departure.

He also considered what he had lost of the rational amusements of manhood / during these unfortunate days. He might have gone to the neighbouring / fashionable resort every afternoon, stood before Gloucester Lodge till / the King and Queen came out, held his hat in his hand, and enjoyed their / Majesties' smiles at his homage all for nothing -- watched the / picket-mounting, heard the different bands strike up, observed the staff; / and, above all, have seen the pretty town girls go trip-trip-trip along / the esplanade, deliberately fixing their innocent eyes on the distant / sea, the grey cliffs, and the sky, and accidentally on the soldiers and / himself.

'I'll raze out her image,' he said. 'She shall make a fool of me no / more. ' And his resolve resulted in conduct which had elements of real / greatness.

He went back to his father, whom he found in the mill-loft. ''Tis true, / father, what you say,' he observed: 'my brains will turn to bilge-water / if I think of her much longer. By the oath of a -- navigator, I wish I / could sigh less and laugh more! She's gone -- why can't I let her go, and / be happy? But how begin?'

'Take it careless, my son,' said the miller, 'and lay yourself out to / enjoy snacks and cordials.'

'Ah -- that's a thought! ' said Bob.