Four Gates by Amy Le Feuvre

"God sets some souls in shade alone; They have no daylight of their own. Only in lives of happier ones They see the shine of distant suns."

"MY DEAREST PAULINE,

"How can I begin my letter to you? I want to write sheets, and sheets, and sheets to make up for my long silence! And there is much that I could tell you, but which I cannot write. I have sent you one or two scraps before. My visit to Dr. Vernon seemed a failure. I tell you this now, though I kept it from you at first. I left him and tried to get work in London, and I utterly failed. Then he made a proposal, which I think will suit me. And I came back here to try it. He is an unmarried man with one sister, a good deal older than himself, who is rather a character in her way. What do you think she is doing? Writing an account of the Vernon family. They go back before the Conquest. She has been working at their pedigree for about five years. They have had pretty much the usual antecedents, I should think. A few have been great politicians and soldiers, but not many of very great note. But she is devoting all her life to their biographies, and Dr. Vernon, I can see, regards it as a harmless hobby.

"Did I tell you this is a big private school; and I am a kind of lady matron over the small boys' part of it? An elderly widow lady is the real head, but she does not do very much. She has what she calls her surgery, where she doctors the boys, and anoints their bruises and plasters their cuts. Someone is always in the wars, and it is a very useful role. I find plenty to do. I have the store cupboards and linen room in my charge; I am doing housekeeping, and I teach three tiny boys for two hours every morning, and help about twelve others with their preparation from six to seven every evening. I go out for walks with them, and I love them all, especially a very naughty scapegrace called Wriggles-his real name is Martin Price. His first act was to fill my boots with live snails!

"I never thought I could be so happy as I am. Everyone here seems to have the hearty, fresh cheerfulness of the boys with whom we have to do. I hardly ever set eyes on Dr. Vernon. But, oh, Pauline, how he preaches! I never shall forget my first Sunday. He takes the morning service in the boys' chapel, and a curate from the parish church conducts the evening one. It seemed such a strange congregation to me, rows and rows of fresh smiling boys' faces. He took for his text:

"Without Me ye can do nothing!'

"I wish you had heard it. Of course, he spoke straight to the boys, and said that this would be a hard saying to them, as they all felt so sure of themselves and their future, so confident that they could get along by themselves, so angry at being managed by anyone, so eager and anxious to prove their independence. I tell you, Pauline, his words cut into 'me. ' And then he went on to show how weak is our strength at its best, and what the real life of each of us ought to be, a life linked to Christ, like the links of a chain, impossible to be broken. It has given me such deep thought, for my life is not joined on to Christ's. It never has been, I'm afraid. Oh, how I wish I could talk to you instead of this dreadful pen and paper business! His eyes seemed to glow, and his whole face was burning with eloquence. The boys listened with open mouth and eyes. This is his style, very simple, but so wonderfully clear-

"Without Me you cannot get your sins forgiven. Without Me you cannot enter heaven. Without Me you cannot be saved. Without Me you cannot resist temptation. Without Me you cannot please God. Without Me you cannot live straight, speak straight, and walk straight. "Without Me ye can do 'nothing."

"And he took up every one of these points and dwelt on it, and my mind is in a tumult, Pauline, for the Second Person of the Trinity has never so entered into my calculations. I have tried to serve God afar off. The Son of God has not touched my lite or soul, or brought me into contact with Himself. So the whole of my twenty-five years of life has been wasted. I have lived away from Him Who said: 'Without Me ye can do nothing!'

"I always felt in my inner being that I was a fraud, and now I know I am one.

"Well, what else can I tell you? Life is very full to me here. And my one desire has been gratified. There is the most splendid school library here. And I am allowed to take any book and change it as often as I like, so I am imbibing book lore voraciously. And I am cramming myself with all the necessary knowledge for helping on my small boys. I am rubbing up my Latin and French and history dates. I am dipping into the most entrancing biographies of men and women of whom I frankly confess I had never heard. I am beginning a course of philosophy, and want to grasp political economy.

"At eight o'clock, all our small boys are in bed. Mrs. Bonar writes letters and works. I devour my books over the fire. I feel, Pauline, I can say in the language of the Psalmist:

"Then are they glad because they be quiet; so He bringeth them unto their desired haven.'

"I really felt battered to pieces in London with a genuine storm from my West gate, and it is indeed a haven here.

"Do you think me very heartless, I wonder, to be so quickly pleased, when it is such a short time since dear father died? But that trouble lies too deep for me to touch upon often. It is there still. If only I had known he was going to be taken from me so soon, how differently I should have behaved!