Pablo De Segovia

Do as you see them do, says the proverb; and it is well said. I took it / so seriously into consideration, that I fully resolved to play the knave / among knaves, and to outdo them all if possible. I know not whether I / succeeded as I designed, but I am sure I used all my endeavours. I began / by making a law, that it should be no less than death for any pigs to / come into our house, or for any of our old housekeeper's chickens to run / out of the yard into our room. It happened one day, that two of the most / elegant porkers that ever my eyes beheld slipped into our domain; I was / then at play with the other servants, and hearing them grunt, said to / one of my companions, "Go, see who it is that grunts in our house. " He / went, and brought word they were two swine. No sooner had I heard these / words but I went out in a passion, saying, "It was a great deal of / impudence in them to grunt in other people's houses. " Then clapping the / door to, in the same heat of blood, I ran my sword into the throats of / them both, and then we cut off their heads. To prevent their cry being / heard abroad, we all set up our throats, roaring as loud as possibly we / could, as if we had been singing; and so they gave up the ghost among / us.

We paunched them, saved the blood, and by the help of our straw bed, / half singed them in the back yard; so that when our masters came home / all was over, though after an indifferent manner; only the puddings were / not yet made, which was not for want of expedition, for we had left half / they had in the guts, merely to save loss of time. Don Diego and our / steward were told the story, and flew into such a passion against me / that the other lodgers, who were ready to burst with laughing, thought / fit to take my part. Don Diego asked me what I could say for myself if / the thing should be found out, and I should be taken up for it? I / answered I would plead hunger, which is the common refuge of all / scholars; and if that was not enough, I would urge that, seeing them / come into the house without knocking as if they had been at home, I / thought they had been our own. They all laughed at my plea, and Don / Diego said, "By my troth, Pablo, you begin to understand your trade. " It / was very well worth observing the difference between my master and me, / he so sober and religious, and I so arch and knavish, so that the one / was a foil to the other and served to set off either his virtue or vice. / Our old housekeeper was pleased to the very heart, for we both played / our parts, and had conspired against the larder. I was caterer, and a / very Judas in my employment, and ever since retained an inclination to / cribbing and stealing. The meat always wasted in the old jade's keeping, / and she never dressed wether-mutton when she could get ewe or goat; / besides, she picked the flesh off the bones before she boiled them, so / that the dishes served up looked as it the cattle had died of a / consumption; and the broth was so clear, that, had it been consolidated, / it might have passed for crystal; only now and then for change, that the / soup might look a little fat, she clapped in a few candle ends.