Europe Revised by Irvin S. Cobb — Read

Under the head of European disillusionments I would rate, along with / the vin ordinaire of the French vineyard and inkworks, the barmaid of / Britain. From what you have heard on this subject you confidently expect / the British barmaid to be buxom, blond, blooming, billowy, buoyant -- but / especially blond. On the contrary she is generally brunette, frequently / middle-aged, in appearance often fair-to-middling homely, and in manner / nearly always abounding with a stiffness and hauteur that would do / credit to a belted earl, if the belting had just taken place and the / earl was still groggy from the effects of it. Also, she has the notion / of personal adornment that is common in more than one social stratum of / women in England. If she has a large, firm, solid mound of false hair / overhanging her brow like an impending landslide, and at least three / jingly bracelets on each wrist, she considers herself well dressed, no / matter what else she may or may not be wearing.

Often this lady is found presiding over an American bar, which is an / institution now commonly met with in all parts of London. The American / bar of London differs from the ordinary English bar of London in two / respects, namely -- there is an American flag draped over the mirror, and / it is a place where they sell all the English drinks and are just out of / all the American ones. If you ask for a Bronx the barmaid tells you / they do not carry seafood in stock and advises you to apply at the / fishmongers' -- second turning to the right, sir, and then over the way, / sir -- just before you come to the bottom of the road, sir. If you ask for / a Mamie Taylor she gets it confused in her mind with a Sally Lunn and / sends out for yeastcake and a cookbook; and while you are waiting she / will give you a genuine Yankee drink, such as a brandy and soda -- or she / will suggest that you smoke something and take a look at the evening / paper.