A Horsey Name by Anton Chekhov

Major-General Buldeeff was suffering from toothache. He had rinsed his mouth with vodka and cognac; applied tobacco ashes, opium, turpentine, and kerosene to the aching tooth; rubbed his cheek with iodine, and put cotton wool soaked with alcohol into his ears, but all these remedies had either failed to relieve him or else had made him sick. The dentist was sent for. He picked at his tooth and prescribed quinine, but this did not help the general. Buldeeff met the suggestion that the tooth should be pulled with refusal. Every one in the house, his wife, his children, the servants, even Petka, the scullery boy, suggested some remedy. Among others his steward, Ivan Evceitch came to him, and advised him to try a conjuror.

"Your Excellency," said he, "ten years ago an exciseman lived in this county whose name was Jacob. He was a first-class conjuror for the toothache. He used simply to turn toward the window and spit, and the pain would go in a minute. That was his gift."

"Where is he now?"

"After he was dismissed from the revenue service, he went to live in Saratoff with his mother-in-law. He makes his living off nothing but teeth now. If any one has a toothache, he sends for him to cure it. The Saratoff people have him come to their houses, but he cures people in other cities by telegraph. Send him a telegram, your Excellency, say: ‘I, God's servant Alexei, have the toothache. I want you to cure me.' You can send him his fee by mail."

"Stuff and nonsense! Humbug!"

"Just try it, your Excellency! He is fond of vodka, it is true, and is living with some German woman instead of his wife, and he uses terrible language, but he is a remarkable wonder worker."

"Do send him a telegram, Alexei!" begged the general's wife. "You don't believe in conjuring, I know, but I have tried it. Why not send him the message, even if you don't believe it will do you any good? It can't kill you!"

"Very well, then," Buldeeff consented. "I would willingly send a telegram to the devil, let alone to an exciseman. Ouch! I can't stand this! Come, where does your conjuror live? What is his name?"

The general sat down at his desk, and took up a pen.

"He is known to every dog in Saratoff," said the steward. "Just address the telegram to Mr. Jacob-Jacob -- "

"Well?"

"Jacob-Jacob-what? I can't remember his surname. Jacob-darn it, what is his surname? I thought of it as I was coming along. Wait a minute!"

Ivan raised his eyes to the ceiling, and moved his lips. Buldeeff and his wife waited impatiently for him to remember the name.

"Well then, what is it? Think harder."

"Just a minute! Jacob-Jacob-I can't remember it! It's a common name too, something to do with a horse. Is it Mayres? No it isn't Mayres-Wait a bit, is it Colt? No, it isn't Colt. I know perfectly well it's a horsey name, but it has absolutely gone out of my head!"

"It isn't Filley?"

"No, no-wait a jiffy. Maresfield, Maresden-Farrier-Harrier -- "

"That's a doggy name, not a horsey one. Is it Foley?"

"No, no, it isn't Foley. Just a second-Horseman-Horsey-Hackney. No, it isn't any of those."

"Then how am I to send that telegram? Think a little harder!"