A couple, Mr. and Mrs. McWilliams, engage in a conversation about burglar alarms, which leads Mr. McWilliams to recount his frustrating experiences with their own alarm system. Initially, Mrs. McWilliams insists on purchasing a burglar alarm instead of using leftover funds for charitable purposes. After installation, the alarm proves ineffective when a burglar enters their home, leading to a series of increasingly absurd incidents. The burglar, upon being confronted, expresses embarrassment for not activating the alarm, highlighting the ridiculousness of the situation. As the story progresses, Mr. McWilliams discovers that the alarm only covers the first floor, prompting further costly modifications to include the second and third floors. Each time they think they have resolved the issues, new problems arise, including the alarm waking them at odd hours and false alarms that lead to chaotic responses. Despite numerous adjustments and expenses, the alarm continues to malfunction, leading to a point where the couple stops responding to alarms altogether. Eventually, the burglars take advantage of the unprotected state of the house, stealing the entire alarm system. After a lengthy and costly process to restore the alarm, the couple faces ongoing issues with new installations that fail to function properly. Ultimately, after years of frustration and no actual protection from theft, Mr. McWilliams decides to remove the alarm entirely, trading it for a dog, which he later shoots, concluding that burglar alarms serve only to benefit burglars rather than protect homeowners. The narrative satirizes the ineffectiveness of security systems and the absurdity of the couple's experiences, illustrating the futility of their attempts to secure their home.
By Mark Twain · First published 1881 · Genre: Humor, Fiction, Social Commentary