The narrative is a satirical, fast-paced account of medical malpractice and technological misadventure. An investigator, skilled in both medicine and a cynical understanding of human nature, is drawn into a case involving a set of coin-operated diagnostic machines placed in a popular New York hotel. These devices, built by a once-promising and romantically inclined physician whose career and fortune have fallen into disrepute, dispense preliminary diagnoses for various ailments—from general discomfort to pregnancy—by asking a series of oddly phrased, button-press questions. The story begins when a hotel manager complains about a lady doctor threatening to sue over the presence of these machines in the women's lounge. The investigator, driven by professional duty and a distaste for frivolous medical practices, initiates a raid that reveals the bizarre nature of the devices. Each machine offers a diagnosis designed to be innocuous enough for a hypochondriac, yet sufficiently accurate when genuine symptoms are present. This dual function—a blend of carnival amusement and potential clinical utility—underscores the ethical ambiguity of their use. Interwoven with the central investigation is a series of personal entanglements and confrontations. The narrative introduces a female mechanic, a clever and determined professional who services the machines, and draws the investigator into a tangled web of flirtation and deception. Casual, often caustic exchanges highlight the tension between professional decorum and personal impulses, as the investigator grapples with both regulatory concerns and unexpected romantic complications. The inventor of the machines, a charismatic yet financially desperate ex-medico, reveals that his devices were not purely whimsical inventions but strategic attempts to generate income amid a ruined practice. Despite his past successes and charm, his latest venture skirts the boundaries of legality by masquerading as friendly medical advice while performing as a form of entertainment. When confronted, he demonstrates both the inventive brilliance and the ethical laxity of his creation, insisting that proper modifications would transform his coin-operated curios into an efficient diagnostic aid that could revolutionize patient intake processes by pre-screening symptoms before a formal medical interview. A pivotal aspect of the narrative is the moral and legal dilemma posed by the use of such technology. Through the investigator’s analytical and often scathing internal commentary, the story examines the conflicts between innovative research and the sanctity of traditional medical practice. The investigator proposes a compromise during a critical board meeting: repurpose the machines for legitimate clinical use by incorporating an internal recording mechanism that produces a coded card. This card would streamline patient evaluation by directing clinical staff to conduct necessary tests, thereby eliminating redundant interviews while preserving the physician’s essential role. The text employs ironic humor and a brisk, dialogue-driven style to reveal a broader commentary on modern medicine’s struggle with innovation. The devices, with their quirky design and absurd slogans, become symbols of a healthcare system increasingly tempted by the efficiencies and pitfalls of automation. At the same time, they expose the vulnerability of professionals who risk their reputations and licensure for a chance at revival—themes mirrored in the personal misadventures, flirtations, and betrayals that intertwine with the central plot. Ultimately, the narrative presents a landscape where diagnostic technology and human fallibility converge. While the inventor’s gadgetry skirts legal boundaries, the investigator’s sharp insights and bold proposals suggest a potential path to harnessing innovation without sacrificing ethical standards. The unfolding drama serves as both a cautionary tale and a wry exploration of the transformative challenges facing modern medicine in the shadow of technological advancement.
By Winston K. Marks · First published 1988 · Genre: Medical Satire, Comic Farce, Detective Fiction