One Third Off by Irvin S. Cobb — Read

Month after month, through the cycle of the revolving seasons, I went / along deceiving myself, even though I deceived none else, coining new / pleas in extenuation or outright contradictions to meet each new-arising / element of confirmatory proof to a state of case which no unprejudiced / person could fail to acknowledge. The original discoverer of the alibi was / a fat man; indeed, it was named for him -- Ali Bi-Ben Adhem, he was, a / friend and companion of the Prophet, and so large that, going into Mecca, / he had to ride on two camels. This fact is historically authenticated. I / looked it up.

In the fall of the year, when I brought last winter's heavy suit out of / the clothes-press and found it now to hug o'ersnugly for comfort, I / cajoled my saner self into accepting a most transparent lie -- my figure had / not materially altered through the intervening spring and summer; it was / only that the garments, being fashioned of a shoddy material, had shrunk. / I owned a dress suit which had been form fitting, 'tis true, but none too / close a fit upon me. I had owned it for years; I looked forward to owning / and using it for years to come. I laid it aside for a period during an / abatement in formal social activities; then bringing it forth from its / camphor-ball nest for a special occasion I found I could scarce force my / way down into the trousers, and that the waistcoat buttons could not be / made to meet the buttonholes, and that the coat, after finally I had / struggled into it, bound me as with chains by reason of the pull at / armpits and between the shoulders. I could not get my arms down to my / sides at all. I could only use them flapper fashion.