Doodle's Discovery by H.D. Umbstaetter
John Jefferson Doodle, a self-styled crank who demands full value in every transaction, opens a restaurant that is an immediate success. His one trouble is soap theft: patrons steal about forty dollars' worth of his finest toilet soap each day from the washrooms, and he refuses to switch to cheaper soap. Doodle invents and patents the Soap Thief Detector, a camera hidden behind each washroom mirror and wired to the soap tray. When someone lifts the soap, the camera photographs that person, and if the soap is not returned, the last picture on the film is the thief's. On the first day Doodle uses the film to confront a well-dressed diner, finds the soap wrapped in a hand towel in his overcoat pocket, and sends him fleeing. Twenty-seven prominent citizens are caught that day, including the mayor, who is with three ladies. In ten days Doodle recovers soap from thirteen hundred and eleven thieves, and the machine never errs. The cost is steep, because every exposed customer stays away. On the twenty-fifth day only ten people come to dinner. Doodle spends two hours thinking in his office, then sends a long telegram and has a circular typed. Soon the president of the International Toilet Soap Trust arrives, curious about the vague wire. Doodle shows him the device and argues that most soap thieves never buy toilet soap, so the Trust profits from theft and would not want the Detector in general use. He says his circular will tell every hotel, café, and boarding-house what the device does. He demands a quarter of a million dollars for all rights and says that selling to the members of the Hotel, Restaurant and Boarding House Union at five dollars each would bring him over a million. The president calls a directors' meeting by long-distance telephone. Three hours later he returns, writes a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and takes a deed to all rights in the Detector. He then tears the machine out of the washroom and shreds the film, grumbling that stopping a man from stealing soap comes close to sin. Doodle's dining-rooms close, and Doodle the Crank is happy and rich.
By H.D. Umbstaetter · First published 1911 · Genre: Humor, Satire, Comic fiction · 1,975 words
First lines
John Jefferson Doodle derived a large amount of pleasure from the knowledge that he was considered a crank. In Doodle's opinion cranks were persons who, knowing the right way, refused to have things done in any other. John Jefferson demanded full value for his own money and persisted in giving the same in return for the money of others. Business back-steps, fool fakery, and lame excuses were foreign to his methods, so when he opened his restaurant success was assured. Doodle's was the most up-to-date café in the entire eating zone. The food, service and appointments were of the best, and from the opening day the future prosperity of Doodle was something that a fifth-rate prophet could foretell without running the risk of a headache.
Similar titles
- The Hen by Saki
- Absentminded Beggar by Ring Lardner
- The Phantom Luncheon by Saki
- Excepting Mrs Pentherby by Saki
- The Unrest Cure by Saki
- The Boar Pig by Saki
Genres
- Humor — Comic premise and escalating absurdity drive the story, from Doodle's crankish schemes to the trust president's deadpan reaction to a soap-theft detector.
- Satire — Mocks petty theft, the self-interest of the wealthy and the soap trust's profit motive, and turns the mayor's hypocrisy into a target.
- Comic fiction — Lighthearted, character-driven narration with witty dialogue and a playful tone throughout.
- Farce — Exaggerated situations, mistaken identity in the overcoat scene and an absurd chain of consequences escalate into a ridiculous outcome.
Tags
short story · satire · comedy · eccentric protagonist · restaurant business · soap theft · hidden camera · invention · patent · surveillance · corporate negotiation · corporate trusts
What this Textopian page supports
Doodle's Discovery is listed on Textopian as a short story by H.D. Umbstaetter, dated 1911 CE.
This source record anchors work identity, reading entry points, and catalog context for checking claims about the work.
- Work type: Short story
- Author: H.D. Umbstaetter
- Date: 1911 CE
- Language: English
- Genres: Humor, Satire, Comic fiction, Farce, Crime fiction
- Length: 1,975 words
- Structure: 1 section, 34 paragraphs
- Reading fit: Standard (8th-9th Grade)
Good citation fit
- Work identity for Doodle's Discovery by H.D. Umbstaetter
- Canonical title URL and first readable passage URL
- Genre and topic classification from the Textopian catalog
- Readability and classroom-planning context
- Passage-specific claims should cite the exact /read/ URL for the relevant chapter or paragraph